I have an Aunt, L.  She is the wife of my mother's brother, J.  He's lovable guy, but spineless in his wife's wake.  They have 3 children, my cousins A, N, and H.  My cousins have 7 kids between them.

L is a control freak.  But beyond being a control freak, she's the Queen.  I swear the song Royals was written with her in mind.  Problem is I don't bow to anyone.  (That kind of luxe just ain't for us, we crave a different kind of buzz.)

My dad and my grandfather passed away 10 years ago.  Since then I have spent nearly every Thanksgiving with my mom, E, and my grandmother, Nanny P.  Nanny's birthday is a few days after Thanksgiving.  5 years ago I had my thanksgiving plans set and started to hear murmurs about L planning something for my grandmother's 95th birthday.  I've seen her do this before, whatever she does becomes law and nothing else (or rather no-one else) matters.  So I beat her to the punch.  I sent out an invitation to a birthday party for my grandmother without having any idea what I would do.  It turned out to be a simple and WONDERFUL party, and despite having planned it for the wrong reason, it was a pleasure and a privilege to have hosted it.  L was pissed, so then there was that.

2 years ago I hosted my daughters' Bat Mitzvah.  It was profoundly stressful, and in hindsight I should have hired a party planner.  Some things worked out beautifully, some things not so great.  One mistake I made was the candle lighting ceremony.  I have not been close to my aunt and uncle in a long time, but as a matter of respect I should have included them.  I also should have included my husband's aunt, who we are close to.  But I didn't.  Shortly thereafter, L (my aunt, remember) told me that she and my uncle were leaving to visit their grandson's college campus.  And when they left, my cousins and their adult children flocked out.  That's 15 people, leaving a party of about 90.  When that many people leave, it signals the others that the party is over.  Thankfully my daughters were having too much fun with their friends to notice.

But I did.  When I was able to calm down a few months later, I wrote my aunt and uncle a letter and explained that I should have included them, as well as my husband's aunt, in the candle lighting ceremony.  But they should have been adult enough to NOT stage a walkout on a day that was about my daughters and no-one else.

I talked back to the Queen, and I must be beheaded.

The queen showed my letter to my cousins to turn them against me.  Did it work?  Probably, except from my vantage point being exiled looks pretty much the same as life before exile.  Well, not entirely.  They no longer ask me to pitch in on group gifts anymore, or pay to airbrush my family into a photo we could have posed for if asked.  Since that was about all the contact my cousins had with me before the letter, it didn't feel like much of a loss.

But that's the rub, it should have.  H is close to my age, and we were close friends until age 14, when she just stopped being my friend without any explanation.  My cousins were welcoming over the years that followed, and I attended every one of their kids' bar/bat mitzvot; that includes the time I missed the plane because I was stuck in traffic so I drove instead, but excludes the lone exception - when my plane was grounded due to ice on the wings.  By then I had young children so driving (especially in a snow storm) was not an option.  I bought every one of their kids thoughtful and personalized gifts for their events.  For my kids' event, my 3 cousins, their spouses, and their 7 kids did what they do - they pitched in for a group gift.  Each of my kids got a necklace.  One gift each from 13 adults.  Classy.  But that's not the rub.  The rub is my cousins disappeared after my brother died 18 years ago.  They have each other and their families are very close.  I became an only child, and lost my cousins as well.  It has been a long, slow hurt that added insult to the injury of losing my brother.

Last week my grandmother passed away, 10 days before her 100th birthday.  While losing her is heart-wrenching, it was not unexpected.  My mom said that my cousins told her they wanted peace.  That's nice, but meaningless as hearsay.  Peace, like exile, looks pretty much the same as it has for the preceding 2 decades.  My mom said she thinks my cousins abandoned me because they are jealous of me; I had my grandfather's pride because I followed his footsteps in becoming an engineer, and I had twins while they only had singletons.  Is my mother right, are they really that shallow?  Well, with a queen for a mother and a jellyfish for a father, maybe they are.  I don't know, I don't know them anymore.  But there is irony in my mother's theory - I was always so deeply jealous of them because they grew up with my grandparents nearby, and their children grew up with my grandparents nearby.  I saw my grandparents several times a year, and have always been jealous that neither myself or my children had my grandparents close enough to see weekly.  And then my grandfather stuck a knife through my heart when he told me he would live to see the Bar/Bat Mitzvot of all 7 of my cousins' kids, but not mine.  He kept his word.

While the loss of my cousins is not new, it is a fresh wound in the wake of my grandmother's death.  She was so loving and open, this is not what she would ever want for her family.  I could kiss ass and apologize for speaking back to the queen, but what would I gain?  The fact is that they are still reasonably welcoming to my mom, and that's about all I think I could ask for.