I heard a story on NPR yesterday about college campuses trying to unambiguously define what constitutes consent for sex.  All I can say is BRAVO!  Some of the definitions of consent they're coming up with include 'mutual participation', and some require explicit verbal consent.  So the question arises, wouldn't verbal consent, or the request for it, "ruin the moment"?  To which I say nothing ruins the moment like the absence of consent, implied, verbal or otherwise.

Two stories.

First, since I've recently started reading again I got a book for my kindle called Awakenings (by Brenda K. Davies, since there are more books with the same name) basically because it was free.  It was described as "Twilight with hot sex".  I almost stopped reading it after chapter two because it starts out as terribly written misogyny.   But I kept going out of curiosity - ok, for the hot sex part.  Well, what others call hot sex came across more like porn, but the book works on that level.  Surprisingly, the misogyny was replaced by it's polar opposite.  The sex was blatantly consensual as well as shockingly sensual.  While there was an unmistakable verbal implication of consent, the participatory kind of consent was clearly evident, and there were still several non-verbal inquiries.  Didn't ruin a thing.

So what's the need for verbal consent?  For one thing, communication is NOT a turn-off!  It can be at least as intimate as touch.  But the need for verbal consent is a very real one for some people who cannot, or will not, read body language.  My second story is not from a book.  I had a few dates with a guy I liked, a lot.  After one such date he took me back to his apartment.  I stood by the door with my coat on - body language for I don't intend to stay.  Was that unclear?  I couldn't just leave, I needed a ride to the train.  When he took my coat from me, I stayed by the door.  Still not clear enough apparently.  He kissed me, took my clothes off, and had sex with me.  My body language didn't change through all of this, my consent was neither verbal nor participatory.  But I was young, and honestly, afraid.  I didn't speak the word "no" because if he wasn't reading my body language he might not listen to my verbal language either.  And if I said it and he still didn't stop, then it would be rape.  I suspect this kind of thing happens way too often.  So I applaud the college campuses to holding young adults to a standard of respect and communication.