When I was a teenager I began to question my religious faith.  Not in a rebellious way, just in a way that is appropriate for a teenager transitioning into a thoughtful adult.  I was confident that in time I would find the answers I sought and come back to my religious roots.

After a decade or so it began to concern me that I was not able to resolve my religious inquiry.  I took solace in the fact that questioning and learning are integral aspects of my base religion, that I would never be ostracized for my rejection of blind faith.  I considered whether I might be an agnostic or an atheist.  I have to admit, as prevalent as religion is, atheism struck me as downright lonely.  I am still so effected by this that I find it hard to publicly acknowledge the main target of my inquiry, the central tenet of religion: G-d.  But I knew I could not 'settle' without the answers I sought.

After another decade I came to accept that whether by evolution or intelligent design, I have a brain, a healthy dose of curiosity, and a stubborn streak; to refuse to use them in this or any other context would be to deny my humanity - and a slap in the face of the force(s), whatever they may be, that created me.

Three decades after my initial religious journey, and today is Rosh Hashanah.  At service this morning, the Rabbi talked about today's Torah reading - the story about Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac.  The Rabbi offered two interpretations, one of which was obedience - that sacrificing his son was God's test of Abraham's obedience.  And Abraham passed.  I simply cannot accept that.  Blind obedience breeds Nazis.  The Rabbi presented another interpretation, which was Abraham's refusal to question the command, and on that front Abraham failed.  Although I prefer this interpretation, it doesn't match the text in our prayer book.

Between my own religious journey, my experience as a parent, and my work with students, one thing has become profoundly clear in my mind.  Humans possess an innate and burning need to make sense of our world.  The drive is so strong that we WILL find reason even if we have to make it up.  I find this is true with math and science, but I also believe it is true with religion.  The Rabbi also spoke about how events that don't seem to make sense (usually because they are in some way unjust) have a divine purpose.  The implication is that we are unable to comprehend the hidden purpose, which I take issue with.  Again, humans have brains.  Unless you believe that the brain is analogous to the metaphoric apple, we must use them.  I simply don't believe that God would give us the greatest gift of all, and forbid us from using it.

Boo hoo.  Life has been dragging me down. 

My husband has been having a problem with recurring fevers for a year and a half.  The fevers go up for a week or two, then back to normal for a week or two, up, down, up down, for several months.  Then they disappear.  The fevers come with night sweats and weight loss.  He's seen a dozen doctors including all kinds of specialists, most dismiss him after the first round of tests.  But he found one doctor, thank God, who is paying close attention in more ways than one.  Dr. K was the only one who noticed that, although J's iron was back to normal after a bout with anemia, it was normal for most people.  Turns out what's normal for most people is not normal for J, and his iron had not returned to his own normal level.  After prescribing an iron supplement which didn't work, Dr. K realized that J's anemia is not due to iron deficiency; J has chronic disease anemia which is very different.

Then came the blow.  Fever, of course, is a symptom of just about everything.  I could not for the life of me find anything about recurring fever, or fever combined with night sweats.  Then last week one of J's blood tests showed enlarged lymphocytes.  This led me to read about leukemia, and something called "B symptoms".  What the heck are "B symptoms"?  Well, turns out they are fever, night sweats, and weight loss, and they are classic symptoms of lymphoma.  The article further described something called "Pel-Ebstein" fever, which - yup - goes up and down in 1-2 week cycles.  I nearly shit a brick.  On one hand, oh my God, cancer.  On the other hand, a potential diagnosis, and a highly treatable cancer with a very high survival rate. Dr. K is also unbelievably good at returning phone calls and answering questions. He pointed out that half the doctors in Maryland have been looking at J's blood, and none have seen evidence of lymphoma.  He won't rule it out, but it's not high on his list.

We had another event last week.  My daughters' friend at school was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL).  My first reaction was fear for my daughters, they are unbelievably sensitive.  They still cry over the loss of our old dogs, I hope to God they won't have to experience the death of a friend at this age.  Luckily, ALL has a good prognosis.  Until...last weekend we found out that she has a rare kind of ALL, called Philadelphia Positive (Ph+).  The Ph+ ALL prognosis has been described as very poor to dismal.  One option is bone marrow transplant, but it's very hard to find a donor, and even with a match the risks are very high.  Now I find it's not just my daughters I fear for.  I like this family.  My motto is "I don't like other peoples' kids", but the first time I met R she impressed me because she was kind to my kids.  I found her mother C and told her so, and I like C too.  Does that matter?  It's not like I would wish something like this on anyone else's family.  But it just seems too close to home.  Maybe because it's my kids' friend, maybe because this is going down at the same time I learned about the B symptoms and I've just reached an emotional overload. 

I heard that R's parents had to choose among experimental treatments.  I found a doctor in Canada who authored a paper about Ph+ ALL treatment options, and wrote him to ask for advice.  It blew me away, but he actually wrote back, and quickly!  It looked like gibberish at first, but I looked some of the things up.  Basically he recommends a newer tyrosine kinase inhibitor called Dasatinib.  I say that like I know what the hell it means!  I'm learning.  But the important thing is that there has been significant progress in just the last 5 years.  I'm not much of a prayer, but I pray R will be ok.

And my J.