wow. WOW. I saw "Born without a Face" last night, and it has haunted me all day. When it started I almost turned it off because it was too disturbing, but I kept watching because I wanted to see her "fixed" after the surgery. I'm big on denial. The thoughts that ran through my head were horrible - I wanted her brain to be compromised so she wouldn't be aware of her circumstances, but her brain is perfect. She's a very bright child, and a happy child. I was actually glad that she coudn't hear so she wouldn't have to listen to people gasp and whisper, or worse, tease. But her parents had mechanical ears made for her. I thought about my earlier post, "If God gives according to what you can handle...", and I thought I could never handle that. But I think I was wrong, I would do whatever needed to be done. If I had to handle it, I would, with love. And wow do her parents love her. What an amazing family.

And then there was the image I could not let go. A 2 year old girl in a doctor's office, she can't frown because she has no mouth and she can't cry because she has no tear ducts. But her chest heaving with the mild convulsions of a child afraid of a needle is universal, and at that moment she became mine. And when she reached out for her father's comforting hug, his arms were mine.

I'm a bad mom. Yesterday was my daughters' birthday (and my husband's). We had a party at the children's gym. For whatever reason, my daughters decided to leave the activities in the gym and hang out in the party room. We tried several times to get them to re-join their own birthday party, but they were having fun, and so were their guests. Just not together. Toward the end, after everyone had joined in the party room for cake and it was almost time to leave, my daughter H said she wanted to put on a High School Musical show. A good mother would have told the party guests to shush and listen so her daughter could sing at her own birthday party. But not me. I explained to my sweet H that the party guests had been singing and dancing HSM songs in the gym (we requested a HSM theme) while she and her sister were in the empty party room. Can I go back and do that moment over again?

I started this sentence to my husband last week: "If you subscribe to the theory that God gives to people what they can handle...", and my husband finished exactly what I had begun: "Then God doesn't trust us very much". Our daughters are exceptional children. Of course there are two other possible endings: 1) What was truly difficult was the first 6 months. We handled that - was that handling? it felt like surviving! - and the extended delight and joy of our children since then is reward for that. 2) We need all the peace we can get now because the teenage years will be hell!

If God really did give people what they can handle, then my father would not have buried his son, and they would both still be alive.

Question of the day = torture. I hear the news reports about what judge or politician thinks torture is never tolerable, but won't classify waterboarding as torture. I like to think I'm highminded enough to believe that torture is always wrong, blah blah blah. But the mother of the girl who was videotaped being raped by Chester Stiles wishes he had been found dead. I, on the other hand, am delighted that he was found alive. From what little I know about "prison justice", he deserves what's in store for him.